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I woke up thirsty on the day I died

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I'll follow the sun [10 Sep 2007|04:29pm]
[ mood | quiet ]

I've just been completely obsessed all over again with the Beatles all summer. Watching the Anthology, reading the 900ish page Biography, and listening to their music non-stop. Its driving my roomates a little crazy, I think- they all have eclectic and finikiy music taste, and none of them have the obsessive personality I do...

My co-worker just pointed out to me that my two Firefox windows that I have open are pretty contradictory and amusing. I googled 'how to make cocktails' and 'financial planning own real estate'....

..hey, I have varied interests, ok?

4 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

[04 Sep 2007|09:20am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Its a slow and quiet day at my lab. The weather outside might be partially to blame. Its so completely depressing and grey- and just, quiet. Not in a good way. Summer feels gone...hell, I guess summer is gone.

Except not. I still have 20 days...20 days to move, 20 days to get things together, 20 days to spend with people I'll barely get to see in the coming months.

I feel fucking HALLOW.

1 hundred stab to | kill it for good

Crooked lines [15 Aug 2007|01:07am]
[ mood | sad ]

I just realized how long it had been since I updated. Constantly working and studying isn't much excuse, since there is pleanty of time for writing breaks. I guess, in a lot of ways, I just haven't felt inspired enough to survey situations and post about them. But my summer is great, I'm in an electrical engineering class (my final is on Friday...) and working at a neurobiology lab programming chips and implanting them in bugs.

As for my living situation, I've lived with my three boys for about two months now. It's been lovely living with James. He and Joshy are like the brothers I never had. Having them still in my life, and close to me, after all these years is quite important to me. It feels good to know they came from where I came from, that home-town bond that's hard to replace with anything else...Living with Charlie is awesome too, he is so laid back, and yet fun, and a great human. And that leaves Seamus, who has been gone for two weeks, and will be another two, but I am countin' the days till he comes back. I miss his blaring music, energy, and going to get pizza with him up the street. Hell, I even miss him offering me weed (no one else bothers to, for the most part) and poking fun at me.

I love my roomates, it is going to break my heart to move out of here in less than a month. But it is needed. I am a person that can only handle so much social time, so much people time, before I snap. Though I know I'll be lonely a lot, it's the only real option I have if I want to do well in school- living alone.

So I've been hunting for the perfect one bedroom. One that allows kitties (for I have two), has parking availible, is somewhat convienent to campus, and is preferably on the second story or higher of the building. You wouldn't think it would be that hard, but the 'no pets' rule has screwed me over numerous times.

SOMETHING about summer makes me horribly, unsufferably, nostalgic and reflective. This is a fact and pattern I can't ignore anymore. The summer after highschool, I was of course utterly depressed and so wrapped up in the past I'd barely want to get up in the morning or live life. But even the last two summers after that, I realize that I go into these moods where I'm hellbent on re-living the past, spending time alone, and overly-focused on self-growth and awareness. I am way more likely to cry, or go into some sort of weird 'phase', in the summer. Yet summers have also offered some of my best memories, in life, period. Anyway, I'll actually be glad when this one is over. Fall is slowly replacing winter as my favorite season. It's full of so much more energy and optimism than the other seasons.

I think in the last month or so it's really hit me I've lost one of my best friends. Maybe not completely, but close enough that it might just hurt less if it was completely. He'll never believe how much I needed him, how much I still do, and that though the need is platonic, it is no less intense. Or maybe somehow he understands, but can't meet the need, and thus hides his understanding of how hard it is for me to be away from him. None of it SHOULD matter so much, but to me it does, almost every day, it matters, and at this point I wish I could just drive it from my mind and heart.

If there was one thing I could change about myself, it would be my resistance to change. My emotional ties to things and people know no bounds. Time seems to be no cure-all for how much I can miss a person. Once I've attached to something, or some time period, letting go if it is difficult enough on the surface, but virtually impossible underneath.

1 hundred stab to | kill it for good

Oh yeah, and... [29 May 2007|04:38pm]
The Super Furry Animals are one of my favorite bands. (If they aren't one of yours too, I recommend you fix that). But I realized I've been singing one of my favorite songs of theirs wrong for a while now.

Ohio heat
Sweet as sugar from a beet
Sleek as foxes in the street
Evolution seemed complete
Ohio heat
Blowing bubblegums discreet
Now there's flowers on the street
Where she smoked and skipped her feet
From time to time on the flying tiger line
She appears in my sleep when my dreams are lucid deep

I've been singing "Evolution's incomplete". That's what Seamus thought it was too. I like that better. Because who ever thought evolution seemed complete? Things are evolving before my eyes. That's what happens when your a scientist.
3 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

We were beaming golden glow [29 May 2007|03:50pm]
[ mood | sad ]

So Eric broke up with me on his birthday. Reasons? Only one really, but its enough to drive him crazy. I pay too much attention to everyone else and not him. I'm "not romantic". I "view a relationship as a friendship". Etc...

I miss him already. I asked him to think about it until after finals and see if there is anyway we could get back together, at least for the summer. Intellectually, I know we are meant to just be friends and it should stay this way. But emotionally, I want to be more than his friend.

Stephanie, Eric, Seamus and I went out last night as sort of a last huzzah. We started at the Chapel. On the way over I played Like a Prayer and Eric and I sang the entire song together. Then at the Chapel they magically put it on and all of the bartenders (who are all straight females or gay males) got up on the bar and danced drunkenly. Eric got up with them too. They were breaking glasses and knocking things over but no one cared. That's why that place is my favorite bar, even if your only supposed to go there if your rich or in your late twenties or both. Then we went off to the Cha Cha so we could enjoy it, probably for the last time, because its getting torn down soon. But the stupid photobooth wouldn't take our stupid dollar bills, and I got very angry at it. Then Seamus and I ran like four blocks in an epic sprint to buy beer at 1:59. We ended up only drinking two of the 12 pack when we got back- after dancing to Blur, I passed out in Charlie's bed.

Today I woke up (hungover, oh so hungover) and hung out with Stephanie. Then I went home and played guitar in my swimsuit on my front steps for two hours (trying to get tan). Then I picked up the pictures from this weekend, which maybe was a mistake, because looking at them just made everything harder. And now I'm at work, in a strange reflective mood. It clearly hasn't set in yet that I've probably lost Eric, because I saw him this morning. But I've cried all I can for a while, and I can't be sure if I should: a) make a big romantic gesture to try to win him back, b) just let him make up his own mind, or c) tell him that we shouldn't get back together even if he decides he wants to. They all make sense in their own way.

Man I hate hate hate change. I wanted Eric and Seamus to be best friends forever. I want our little family to be happy and maybe someday it could be that way again, but Eric will have a new girlfriend and isn't going to live with us anymore, so I doubt it.

There are few people that will cheer me up right now. Seamus and James and Charlie remind me too much of Eric. Beth and Nicole might work. I kinda most of all want to hang out with Dustin or Saige or both of them, but they are miles away in their own worlds.

2 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

love me love me, say that you love me. [14 Apr 2007|02:38am]
[ mood | strange ]

RIP, Tuggy.

Typical Friday. Latin, math homework(we hates you proofsies, we hatesss yous). I went to the Web Dev lecure with Justine to listen in on some JavaScript tidbits. Then smoothy day, which in stark contrast to last week(outside running around on a beautiful day) was us holed up on a rainy evening having been exhiled from two buildings before finally settling at Suzallo.

I have SO much to accomplish this weekend, but I think I can do it. I'm extremely excited to see Dustin.

I can't NOT laugh when I look at this picture. Works ever time.

4 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

[08 Apr 2007|02:38pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Smoothy day this Friday was a little ridiculous. Lots of people getting hurt(yes, even blood!) in an especially intense game of red rover. Not exactly your typical Magic playing and laptop-fest!

Um yeah, I have such a crush on this lady! She is like the ideal girl, for me, in terms of style and looks. Marrrrrry meCollapse )

1 hundred stab to | kill it for good

I was a willow [28 Mar 2007|12:40pm]
[ mood | detached ]

I am making a lot of changes this quarter. I'm promising myself that I will spend more time getting to know new friends or reconnecting with old friends. I've become far too immersed in my current little 'family'- it might feel fun and natural, but in the long run, it will leave me feeling empty.

I'm taking a class at the IMA and going to walk everywhere for a couple weeks. I know it'll take a while to feel the change, but if I'm going to run and be active like I was last summer, its best to start now instead of right after finals week.

Last night I went to see Ratatat at Neumo's. It was the first 21+ show I've been to by myself. It was strange drinking by myself and being on the balcony. I did dance, though. They were fucking AMAZING live, and it was a sold out show and the crowd loved them. I wasn't in a great mood when I left, as one of my 'best friends' apparently only cares about spending time with (or contacting!) females when he's having sex with them. I am so bitter. But I went and danced and had fun anyway. Maybe it will work out. Or maybe I need to accept that not everyone stays as attached to me as I do to them.

Eric being in Portland staying with Rita and her family for three days has made me realize a couple of things. A) I never realized how nice it is to get some recreational time on my own, and B) The relationship got too serious too fast and I'm going to change that.

Tonight is Jord's 21 run...I'm excited. I love Jordan. I know she's been very down lately...I want us to all cheer her up.

1 hundred stab to | kill it for good

ground control to major tom [28 Mar 2007|12:13am]

pictures from spring break 2007Collapse )

kill it for good

Then the bridge disapeared [20 Mar 2007|04:00pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I just spent almost 2 hours on the phone with someone from Thailand troubleshooting their international modem problem. They spoke the most broken English I have heard in a while. Clearly I have angered the Gods, why else would they give me a call like that?

Otherwise, work is quiet today. Almost too quiet. I bet it's nice outside..sunny. Wish it was summer. Wish it was last summer. I miss last summer.

I got thisCollapse ) message from Oli about a week ago and didn't respond- I'm not going to. For those of you that don't already know the backstory, he was a dear friend of mine, a favorite friend actually, one of those people I adored the second we met and we were pretty close until he moved to NYC. Anyway, he unfortunately happens to be crazy, and so was his ex-girlfriend, who decided she wanted to harass me(and get Oli to harass me) last winter. It was such bullshit. I'm not replying, but this message did actually make me feel much better. Now maybe if I run into him around Seattle, I won't feel compelled to kick him as hard as I can in the balls.

I am excited for tomorrow night and Thursday night. I will be out and about and quite likely drunk for both occasions. I apologize ahead of time for bad dancing or drunk dialing. After barely drinking all quarter, my tolerance is not what it used to be :)

2 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

The novelty is wearing thin [11 Mar 2007|05:39pm]
Yesterday was Christie's wedding...she looked amazing, and it was really fun. I'm happy for her.

a few pictures from the receptionCollapse )
7 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

I think maybe this time its different... [08 Mar 2007|04:08am]
This relationship stuff is funny business. I've come to realize that I really do have a harder time going to class/work when I stay over at his house, even though the bustop is in his driveway. As for him, I've seen him go to ONE morning/early afternoon class out of all the mornings this quarter. So no sleep overs until after finals. At least, that's the idea...pssh.

I'm coming to the realization that if we are still together when his ex-girlfriend returns, I am going to make even more of an effort to stay level-headed about how close they are(I actually think I was doing a good job before anyway...) Before she left, it was hard for him and I to actually congeal as a couple. I don't think its a coincidence that we "dated" three months, hanging out like three times a week, before she left and then were official a week after she left, and ever since have hung out everyday. My hope is that when she comes back, nothing will be tense or awkward and she can have her best friend back, and I can still have my boyfriend. They are the same person, so that might be tricky. But maturity goes a long way in situations like these.


3 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

tres peres [05 Mar 2007|05:09pm]
Weeeeell I just got to work, rather grouchy about having to come back to campus this late in the evening, and what was waiting for me in Tech Support? Flowers from the boyfriend. I didnt' realize they were for me for a moment then I recognized his rather distinct handwriting. Great. Now the whooooole office knows he calls me 'Charmander'. Ohhhhh goodness.

Last night I watched two movies, Troy and Ipigenia. The former was horrible(especially since it was my second time watching it), and the latter made me cry.

Tonight I have to speed-write two papers. Blaaarg.

Saturday is my friend's wedding and then the rest of the weekend/week will be consumed with finals. Spring break, I you can not come soon enough..
2 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

[21 Feb 2007|03:00am]
[ mood | tired ]

Sneaky sneaky love. People suprise you. So do your emotions.

It's kind of still a honeymoon period...four months later. No fighting, and no drama (well, not since his ex-girlfriend left town, anyway). Too good to be true, right?

Maybe...but I'm just glad he's in my bed, even if I won't be joining him tonight. It's 3:00 am and I still have several hours of programming. Doing the math, I think it's safe to say its an all-nighter.

You know what I've noticed lately? Just how utterly surrounded I am by BOYS. Go to class. Except for Justine, am surrounded by boys. Go to labs, same thing. Go to work, entirely surrounded by boys, both my co-workers and the full time consultants...just the whole office, really. Go to Eric's, and what awaits me? Three young crazy BOYS. Hmm, ok, I'll go hang out with my best friend...oh no WAIT, that's a boy too(Kynlan).

I think spending time with Beth and Nicole last week reminded me of all this. I haven't even gotten to see Jordan or Sarah much lately, given lack of drinking/socializing.


3 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

now how I remember you [15 Feb 2007|04:11pm]
I had a nice Valentine's Day. Aside from a sore throat and general stress/displeasure, it was good- at least, once I finally met up with Eric at like 9:00. We had a reservation for a very very fancy Italian place. It was one of the best meals I'd had in a looong time. I bought him wine('cause I can do that now, ya know) and candy and we watched the finale of Rome, which is quite possibley the best TV show ever made. Today I didn't go to work or school(sick) and am putting off studying for my midterm tomorrow. I'm happy for the long weekend coming up.

Tuesday Beth and I went out for drinks and we convinced Nicole to join us for a bit. Sarah made me the yummiest greyhound ever..pictured below..(thanks for the recommendation, Stef!)

If you ever thought it was strange that I have a cat named Thunder Paws, then maybe this picture will explain things. Look at her PAWZ! OMG they are huge. She is like a lion. Her paws are half the size of her sister's head.

3 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

pawn vs Queen [04 Feb 2007|11:03pm]
Strange but good birthday weekend.

I hadn't drank since the first weekend of the quarter, I've been sooo paranoid of getting sick. And although I took it very easy Friday night, and never even got wasted- seriously, I remember everything and was purposely moderating- I STILL woke up this morning with a sore throat. Sick. Going into midterms. I'm thinking I should just not drink until spring break at this point.

I have two doctors appointments and two midterms this week.

I haven't spoken to, seen, or heard from my father in 7 full years. Yet he overnighted a birthday card to me. This card was pink with red accents, a sappy poem. All it said was "Love, Dad" in his distinct straggly handwriting.

...Seven years. And he overnighted it. Apparently 21 has some special meaning for him. It's strange to know he's still alive- I wasn't sure before...

Anyway, here are pictures. Just a few from the first 15 minutes or so of my night, put pictures nonetheless.

PS: I bought all the alcohol pictured myself. YES!

picciesCollapse )
kill it for good

[20 Jan 2007|06:27pm]
[ mood | strange ]

For some reason, the following passage about The Brown Bunny off of Wikipedia made me laugh out loud...thought I'd share. Gallo is the director of the film, btw.

"Upon his return to America, however, Gallo took a defiant stance, defending the film and denying his apology. A war of words then erupted between Gallo and popular critic Roger Ebert, with Ebert writing that The Brown Bunny was the worst film in the history of Cannes, and Gallo retorting by calling Ebert a "fat pig with the physique of a slave trader." Ebert then responded, paraphrasing a statement once made by Winston Churchill that "one day I will be thin, but Vincent Gallo will always be the director of The Brown Bunny." Gallo then claimed to have put a hex on Ebert's colon, cursing the critic with cancer. Roger Ebert then replied that enduring his colonoscopy would be more entertaining than watching The Brown Bunny. Gallo, afterward, stated that he had been misquoted and that the hex had actually been placed on Ebert's prostate.

A shorter, re-edited version of the film played later in 2003 at the Toronto International Film Festival (although it still retained the controversial sex scene). While not receiving the highest praise, neither did it garner the same level of derision as the Cannes version, and on the August 28, 2004 episode of Ebert & Roeper, Roger Ebert gave the new version of the film a thumbs-up. In a column published at about the same time, Ebert reported that he and Gallo had made peace."

1 hundred stab to | kill it for good

[29 Dec 2006|03:44pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

All I wanted to do was give you the Christmas cookies I'd made you.

Instead, I got confusion, awkwardness, and an utter lack of sensitivity.

And this, my friends, is why when you try to break off things with someone your seeing and they don't let you, you should stay the course and not let yourself be sweet talked back into things.

I was right the first time! I'm usually right, though.

I'm sticking to ladies for a while. And no, not romantically. My wife is so loyal...she's tried everything the last couple days to keep me happy and be on my side through all this. I luff her.

3 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

I FOUND YOU MS NEW BOOTY [14 Dec 2006|04:18pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Happy happy happy happy.

I finally talked to Eric. He understands all my emotions. He's not scared of them. He knows what he wants, and it's a relationship.

I shouldn't have projected as much. His ex IS in a new relationship. And he ISN'T me. And they WEREN'T Dustin and I. Six months might really be enough for them to be able to be normal friends. It would seem so, anyway. And regardless, I'm not gunna give him up. Not when he makes me so....happy.

1 hundred stab to | kill it for good

[01 Dec 2006|09:06am]
[ mood | anxious ]

I am running on three pills of adderall and no sleep for 24+ hours.

I definately just kicked a hole in my glass kitchen door. Damn. Darn.


5 hundred stabs to | kill it for good

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