I just realized how long it had been since I updated. Constantly working and studying isn't much excuse, since there is pleanty of time for writing breaks. I guess, in a lot of ways, I just haven't felt inspired enough to survey situations and post about them. But my summer is great, I'm in an electrical engineering class (my final is on Friday...) and working at a neurobiology lab programming chips and implanting them in bugs.
As for my living situation, I've lived with my three boys for about two months now. It's been lovely living with James. He and Joshy are like the brothers I never had. Having them still in my life, and close to me, after all these years is quite important to me. It feels good to know they came from where I came from, that home-town bond that's hard to replace with anything else...Living with Charlie is awesome too, he is so laid back, and yet fun, and a great human. And that leaves Seamus, who has been gone for two weeks, and will be another two, but I am countin' the days till he comes back. I miss his blaring music, energy, and going to get pizza with him up the street. Hell, I even miss him offering me weed (no one else bothers to, for the most part) and poking fun at me.
I love my roomates, it is going to break my heart to move out of here in less than a month. But it is needed. I am a person that can only handle so much social time, so much people time, before I snap. Though I know I'll be lonely a lot, it's the only real option I have if I want to do well in school- living alone.
So I've been hunting for the perfect one bedroom. One that allows kitties (for I have two), has parking availible, is somewhat convienent to campus, and is preferably on the second story or higher of the building. You wouldn't think it would be that hard, but the 'no pets' rule has screwed me over numerous times.
SOMETHING about summer makes me horribly, unsufferably, nostalgic and reflective. This is a fact and pattern I can't ignore anymore. The summer after highschool, I was of course utterly depressed and so wrapped up in the past I'd barely want to get up in the morning or live life. But even the last two summers after that, I realize that I go into these moods where I'm hellbent on re-living the past, spending time alone, and overly-focused on self-growth and awareness. I am way more likely to cry, or go into some sort of weird 'phase', in the summer. Yet summers have also offered some of my best memories, in life, period. Anyway, I'll actually be glad when this one is over. Fall is slowly replacing winter as my favorite season. It's full of so much more energy and optimism than the other seasons.
I think in the last month or so it's really hit me I've lost one of my best friends. Maybe not completely, but close enough that it might just hurt less if it was completely. He'll never believe how much I needed him, how much I still do, and that though the need is platonic, it is no less intense. Or maybe somehow he understands, but can't meet the need, and thus hides his understanding of how hard it is for me to be away from him. None of it SHOULD matter so much, but to me it does, almost every day, it matters, and at this point I wish I could just drive it from my mind and heart.
If there was one thing I could change about myself, it would be my resistance to change. My emotional ties to things and people know no bounds. Time seems to be no cure-all for how much I can miss a person. Once I've attached to something, or some time period, letting go if it is difficult enough on the surface, but virtually impossible underneath.